Our girl turns four this April. The same little one we envisioned bringing home before her 3rd birthday is almost four, with no end in sight for her wait or ours. If we bring her home before her 5th birthday, it would be a miracle. We are so thankful that she is well taken care of by the nannies in her orphanage, and in the updates we receive she always seems happy, healthy, and full of zest for life. She’s a firecracker. We can’t wait to bring her home!
A few days ago, someone wrote on a forum I’m a member of, that “waiting families need to come to grips with reality. Our wait is long yet, and these kids may never come home.” My immediate response was anger. How dare they? God made a promise! Of course these kids are coming home and to say anything other than that felt borderline blasphemous.
After time to process, I’ve calmed down a bit. Andrew and I still feel a firm conviction that God is asking us (and we are happy to) continue to pursue our daughter from afar. When I first saw her photo, I heard so clearly, “she’s yours,” and we believe that firmly to this day. God led us to Esme, she is, and forever will be our daughter whether or not that is ever legally implied on paper. If, and I believe she will come home, but if she never does, we will continue to carry her in our hearts as long as we live. If the door closes to this adoption, Esme will always be a part of our family. Her photo will hang in our house. We will continue to pray for her, her birth family, her nannies, and the people of her beautiful country. A tree for her is tattooed on my wrist along with my sons. Andrew added a tree and a rainbow, just for her, our rainbow girl.
If God doesn’t bring her home we will mourn deeply. It would be the single most tragic thing to ever befall our family, but even if, we know that God is sovereign. God is good. And if our role in Esme’s story is to continue to pray from afar, what a privilege that will be. To know of Esme, is to love her. And we will love her forever. We will petition God on her behalf as long as we have breath.
But for now, we wait in anticipation of the good things we believe God is doing. We are confident God is working in our waiting. Even when we don’t see it, even when we don’t feel it, we believe God is working on behalf of our good. We lament the time lost with Esme, but we look to the future with HOPE of what will be, a hope founded in Jesus Christ.
I’m a student of science. I love to learn about the brain and the complexities of the way it works. From time to time my doubt gets the best of me and I think, “Am I really hopeful, or is this just my brain protecting me? Am I really strong in Jesus, or is this just adrenaline pushing me through?” But then I remember my Creator designed my brain to work the way it does. He created adrenaline. My Creator isn’t surprised by any of this. He’s been preparing Andrew, our boys, and me for this fight, for this wait, from our very first breaths. He gives us the strength to fight and the strength to wait, as long as it takes.
Faith is the confidence in what we hope for, the assurance of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
Our firm belief that God will bring Esme home, despite all the upheaval surrounding us, makes us look crazy to the world. I was reminded on my walk today, that we’re in good company there.
Noah obeyed God and built the ark despite never having seen a drop of rain. He was mocked and ridiculed, but he listened to God. God delivered Noah and his family.
Abraham and Sarah waited 25 years for their son after receiving God’s promises.
Joseph waited 2 years in prison after interpreting the dreams of the cupbearer and the baker before he was released.
The Isrealites must have looked insane as they marched around the walls of Jericho for 6 days, yet they were obedient and the walls fell.
Hannah’s rival Peninnah mocked and ridiculed Hannah for her barrenness. Hannah poured out her heart so intensely to God that those around her thought she was drunk. Yet, God heard her plea. Hannah was blessed with a child.
Jonah waited in the belly of the whale 3 days and nights, and God delivered him.
God shut the mouths of the lions when Daniel was faced with certain death. Daniel was delivered.
Mary faithfully obeyed God and waited for 9 agonizing months to meet her miracle, the Son who would go on to save us all. God was faithful to protect Mary.
Time and time again God shows up. He is faithful to do what He says He will. Andrew and I believe He will bring our girl home to us one day, and what a BEAUTIFUL day that will be!
To those who wait, to those like me, who find yourself fighting a battle you never in a million years thought you would, take heart! “It’s Friday, but Sunday’s coming!”