Dear Esme, my beloved, I hold you in my dreams. Last night I fell asleep praying for you and was granted the sweetest dream of you. You were lying in your crib in China, asleep- You were on your side, turned away from me, but when I walked in the room you turned. You rolled over and when you saw me, you smiled. I spent the rest of the evening rocking you- breathing in the scent of your hair, feeling your hand in mine, watching your chest rise and fall with each breath as you slept. I spent the night holding you and rocking you. It was the most beautiful dream, and I long for the day I get to hold you in reality.
I think of you all the time, my daughter across the ocean. Separated by pandemic and a broken world. I sometimes feel so helpless. I wonder if we will ever be united, though I trust we will be. I wonder what you are doing during the day. I wonder about your favorite foods, or favorite colors, or favorite animal. I wonder what makes you happy and what makes you sad. What are your fears, and how can I calm them?
And oh, I pray for you. I pray for you all day. When it is daytime in America, I pray for your sleep. I pray that you are sleeping peacefully and dreaming beautiful dreams, perhaps of a mama who is coming soon to hold you. I pray at night as you are waking up halfway around the world, for your day ahead. I pray for your nannies who lovingly care for you and your friends as you play. I pray for your birth family as well. I pray for our future together. I pray for the attachment process and that one day you will grasp the depth of my love for you.
Until we meet I will lament our current separation and look to our future with Joy.
I love you to China and back.
Mama