If there are two things I struggle with most, they are fear and not being in control. I fear the unknown. I fear worst case scenarios. Instead of taking those fears to God, I rush in to fix the problem myself. I beat myself up and wear myself down doing everything I can in my power to fix the situation. Nothing has proven this more true than our adoption experience.
On the day we received our home study paperwork, Andrew and I were told the normal timeline was 3-4 months. My response to that was, “Just watch! We’ll have the fastest homestudy in the history of this agency. I can do this.” And that’s exactly what I did. I stayed up for two nights straight to gather all the paperwork and complete the pile of documents needed for our welcome packet. When we hit a roadblock, I’d get creative. I reached out to over 20 doctors offices before finding one that would take us. I totally implemented the old GT adage of when the going gets hard, just put your head down and work the problem. I looked at our homestudy like it was Apollo 13. Yes, this pandemic was a complication, but I could fix this.
Yesterday we completed the last step in our home study process – in just under 8 weeks. Yep. Lightning fast. In a normal scenario, this would be finalized within the next 14 days and we could move on to the immigration process. But the other shoe finally dropped. We still have to meet our social worker face to face (we’ve been completing interviews via zoom) and per safety concerns, our agency is not permitting home visits yet. I pressed for a date…no answer. I pressed for creative options of how we could get this done…no timeline. I left the meeting completely disheartened. I’ve beat myself up for 8 weeks to get this done early, and for what? I could have taken my time, embraced rest – but I chose to hustle.
In true Laura form I sat down last night around 10pm to write an email to the Georgia director of our agency. Surely I could just work this problem too. As I typed, though, I heard, “The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.”
This verse (Exodus 14:14) hung over our kitchen table for two years while we were trying to get pregnant with our first child. When I was anxious, being controlling and doing everything I could to fix that issue, the Lord constantly reminded me He held our children in His hands. He has a plan. And sometimes, I just need to get out of the way and allow Him to work.
I won’t lie – this is hard. It’s hard to know our process is on hold until we can have this meeting. It’s hard to know I have absolutely no control over this virus or policy. It’s difficult to wait. The paperwork for our homestudy is done. We’ve checked off every box. There is nothing physical for us to prepare, yet there is soul work to be done! During this time, we may not be able to move our process forward on paper, but we can continue to prepare our hearts to receive our precious girl when the time comes.
He has always been faithful. I’ve seen God work miracle after miracle in our home. He healed my body to allow me to have three sons, He saved our oldest from the literal pit during a near death accident, He restored our marriage when it looked like we had no hope. Our God moves mountains. Our God performs miracles. Our God is about resurrection and restoration. He WILL be faithful to complete the work He began in our family.
Until then, we hold fast to His promises:
14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.